monochromatic

A New Year Dawns

2006-12-25T23:51:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to be in spirit. However, my spirit has been on somewhat of a vacation for quite some time. But it is returning. Returning new and refreshed. Unlike it has ever been before. I have come to the realization that "I know nothing" and this is a beautiful thing. I know I am never alone. I know there is a spirit within me that is ever changing, ever growing, ever beautiful. More beautiful than it ever was before. Innocence has always been in my natural makeup. And to accept this has always been a struggle for me. I have wanted to go against it and make choices that are along the lines of the rest of the world around me...but for me that has never been natural. Acting outside of myself has hurt more than it has been nurturing.

2006 was a year of change. A year that upon reflection may have been viewed as being next to disaster had I not learned so much. It was a definite journey through the 'dark night of my soul'. But even darkness holds beauty. I will forever remember it as a year of the beginning of the rest of my life. My mind was opened up to so many new things. It was a foundational year.

As 2007 comes into view I look upon it with a hopeful heart. I can feel the beginning of changes. Changes for the better inside and outside of myself. I have a seed of courage that has been dormant within me and it is on the brink of bloom. I have no idea what 2007 is going to be made up of. But what I do know is my state of mind is important. I have to be positive, extend love, know that each day will hold a new lesson, take everything with a grain of salt, laugh, embrace each moment in the moment, the list goes on.

I have been blessed by friends this year that are uplifting. I have learned lessons from these friends and I hold them dearly in my heart. Opening my mind and heart to them, to anyone, isn't the easiest for me but I now know that life isn't about hiding from the world but about being drenched in every facet of life...the good, the bad, they are polar opposites for a reason and the inbetween is where love resides.

I welcome 2007 with open arms.

"Follow your bliss." -Joseph Campbell

Evolution

2006-09-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

Interesting how time lapses and I don't write for a while or even read this site and then somehow my mind navigates back to it and I view myself as I was five months ago. A lot has happened since then. Many more downs than ups but somehow strength prevails when I feel like I am going to lose it. Not my own of course but God steps in and holds me up. Amazing how he knocks the hell out of me when I don't know how to believe anymore.

Breathe Me In...

2006-04-06T01:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I decided to open my mind and allow it to spill on the paper..er...screen. Life lately has been fringed with an array of emotion. I don't like dealing with emotion...at least not in the public arena. Those closest I will open up to but others haven't a place in that area of ME. But it builds and the skin of my surface becomes an almost transparent thin layer. Perhaps it is just this day that has been the pin prick in the side of my recent fragility. I don't know. I fear suddenly, mid shift at work or something, I will look down and will find myself crumbled on the floor; a pile of colorful mosaic pieces. I have been here many times before. Each time an old part of me dies and new strength is born. Bitch. Moan. Groan. Get the fuck over it.
There is a sense of loneliness lately. Something is missing. Someone? Something? Someone? Something? It's not as if I have lost myself again things just feel different. I am different. Ironically something feels good about it. Creativity peaks when I am like this.
Since my last entry...
~I quit SunTrust- the job that spawned from lucifer
~Ended a relationship...short lived relationship but he was way more involved in it than I was...
~started waiting tables again
~rekindled a lot of fizzled out friendships
~finally got my car fixed
~i'm moving in with my sister
a lot more has happened but I am never completely open on this damn thing. there's only so much I let through the filter of my mind.

There have been some interesting people come into my life recently. One in particular. I'd like to dissect his brain and wrap myself in his mind. He is so intriguing...I get bits and pieces of him but I want more. I don't know the weight of his world. I wonder if he'll find me...see me...me....I'm standing on the edge and it makes me nervous; vulnerable. It may hurt but it would be worth it. I can't stay this bottled up forever.

So there's me. Open again...a little.

Coming back...

2006-03-15T08:32:00.000-08:00

I think it's time to start blogging again...

Choices : Shmoices

2005-12-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

My new favorite show is How I Met Your Mother
on CBS. It is hilarious and it defines life as I know it. Watch it on Wednesday nights at 7:30. Tune in and crack up along with the true to life scenes.

Oh good lord life keeps me in stitches...especially lately. What exactly defines being "grown up"? If it's dull and monotonous then I'll stay youthful. My parents have and they've done all right!

Internet Dating

2005-12-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

I didn't think many people actually did it, but internet dating seems to be a trend on the rise. Or it has risen and I totally missed the submarine.

A few nights ago I had dinner with a friend and she mentioned internet dating. She told me that she has dated several guys from dating sites and that she met her current pin-up the same way. And then yesterday a couple of women from my office were talking about internet dating over lunch and asked me if I had tried it yet. YET!?! I just really don't know what my opinion is. It felt as if "yet" meant I am required to give this technologically engineered match maker a chance.

I suppose I am just old fashion and expect that I'm just going to be knocked upside the head by l-o-v-e. I imagine that one cold winter evening, while hibernating at Barnes and Noble and minding my business, I and some tall, dark haired, intellectual type, will just bump into one another. We will say our pardons but lock eyes for a few blissful seconds (that feel like eternity) like we've just seen something familiar. Then after a totally heart pounding moment realize that we happen to be holding the same book. And from that springs a lifelong friendship/romance with the whole package: a future filled with ups and downs, grandkids and all. But does it ever really happen as you imagine it? I'll let you know if it does.

For now I'm going to investigate these internet dating sites and let you know what I find. But don't go looking for my face posted up on your screen...I'll be at Barnes and Noble, in non-fiction.

Life As I THINK I Know It...

2005-12-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

Life is so fragile and I am realizing that more and more every second of my days. It is so easy to get all wrapped up in the pointless and stressful details of life. So many people in my life have delt with illness, critical accidents, and death this past year... it is just mind numbing.

For me 2005 has been a year of change, of growth, of a new perspective. There is a plan. I have choices that will get me to that plan. Every choice I made this year has gotten me to who I am today. I got something from every single choice I made and I don't regret a thing. I've never been one to regret a thing anyway... I wonder why that is? Perhaps it's because I think things through before I do anything. I'm rambling.

I am just speechless... well, because I really don't know what my future holds. I have never been so excited yet simotaneously so full of fear. Not the worrysome kind of fear, just the unknown... well, I really can't explain it other than to say it's partly a fear of falling back into old habits and ways of living... that's not to say that everything is perfect...I am far from it. And I don't expect to ever reach a point of perfection. The day I think that I might as well be dead. The complexity of it all is in my head but putting the thoughts on the screen is not as easy as one would think. It's a different world in this head of mine. Plus God is tying my tongue for a reason, I am sure.

Why did I feel the need to put this on my blog? On a public domain? Well it's not like many people read this thing so it really doesn't matter. If only the world could read what I don't publish! I wrote a rather lengthly article about Africa, the art, the lost traditions, and the westernization of the country the other day. I miss school.

Side note: I really wish Christmas wasn't so commercialized.

2005-11-22T15:39:00.000-08:00

My Grandparents, Conrad and Patsy Scott with My sister, Ashley.

2005-11-21T21:56:00.000-08:00

My grandfather, who was diagnosed with Colon Cancer in late June of this year, went in to the hospital this morning to have some tests to check the status of the cancer in his body. The results would help them to see what direction they need to take as far as the chemo goes (the chemo makes him very sick). Well, our prayers have been answered: there is not a sign of cancer in his body and he no longer has to take the chemo! Praise God! My aunt said he got up and hugged a very shocked doctor and he and my grandmother were just absolutely jumping for joy. I mean they really were up on their feet with praise! The doctors will continue to monitor his health but he doesn't have to go back for another test until the end of January 2006. I wish I had a picture of them to put on here!!!! I'll have to get one. Thank you so much for all the prayers. Please continue to pray for his health and sing praise when you speak to God of my grandparents, Conrad and Patsy Scott.

This just shows me how incredibly great God is. He takes care of us, and is willing to take all of our energy draining worries, but he won't without us handing it all to him. God is a gentleman, he won't take anything without our permission.

If you need of something to brighten your Holiday Season, feed your Spirit or just need to take a step away from the hectic routine of life mark you calendars for December 11th at 7:00pm to attend the CONCERT OF HOPE at Brentwood Baptist Church. Click on the link for details.

19

2005-11-18T22:12:00.000-08:00

may my heart always be open to little

birds who are the secrets of living

whatever they sing is better than to know

and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry

and fearless and thirsty and supple

and even if it's sunday may i be wrong

for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully

and love yourself so more than truly

there's never been quite such a fool who could fail

pulling all the sky over him with one smile

______________________________________________________

i have no words lately to share or sing or preach or whisper or lay down from pen to paper. so i let ee cummings speak.

i have a book about as thick as your head filled with the writing of this remarkable and sensuous man. you know, the man was truly amazing. his mind so unique. he didn't feel the need to conform to the system of punctuation and grammar; i am sure there were english professors gasping at his absurd behavior. he was like the elvis of literature...way before his time yet utterly beautiful. against the grain. i felt a connection to his awkwardness immediately when i discovered him for the first time in college. his expression of life. it is only awkward, i say, because it is different than the mainstream, boring, mind-numbing jugglers of a ho-hum humanity. generation shocks the one before. not that i am comparing myself to him on any level. i, in my own sense am somewhat average. well, perhaps i am, i have always found it difficult to relate the restraints and gestures of our stiff culture, but i do it. that sounds complicated. i am not fake. if you know me well you know this. back to edward estlin: his words paint not only a verbal but visual ingenuity. the various tones of his different periods of writing are absolutely pensive. take some time out of your routine and experience his creativity. there are nineteen dozen more of his writings i wish to post. here is to those who walk backward through life yet somehow end up forward. and here is to confidence, faith and humility.

looks like i spoke more than i intended. give me art as word or canvas and i can speak for days. the splendor of it takes my breath away.

a monochromatic piece by cummings

LAUGHTER HEALS THE SOUL

2005-11-11T23:41:00.000-08:00

What the hell!
Hand me a damn box of Kleenex...I sound like a big baby in my last few posts!
Get the hell over yourself you bi-polar sounding nut! hahaa!

K. Back to life...back to reality...

I am thankful.

Thankful for my grandparents who crack me up and love me to itsy bitsy bits.

My grandmother and I can sit and talk for hours about things that might possibly be serious topics but we always end up laughing about something or the other. Half the time it’s because she says something funny. Words come out that she's twisted around in her hilarious yet charming East Tennessee twang and we just crack up. For instance, here’s an example of my Grandma, Patsy Jean: Last Thanksgiving my Grandma was running through the store trying to get through her list and was down to the last item and could not find it. She was looking for the isle where they kept nuts, pecans to be exact. Looking for a “clerk” she finall found one and asked the guy, who was knelt down stocking cans, "Sir, do you know where your nuts are?" and he looked at up her wide eyed and said, "Yes, ma'am. Right this way." As she followed him she was laughing one of those hard silent laughs. He guided her to the nut isle and she said thank you with her head down and tears streaming down her face. This was told over and over at Thanksgiving Dinner. I am sure it will be brought up again this year along with whatever other flubs come springing from her creative mind. I am surprised that no one in the family aspirated on their food. My God, I love my Grandma!

The woman is not afraid to speak her mind. Today, at "The Publix", as she calls it, she couldn't find the hardwood cleaner she’s used for years. So she picked up the phone, called the Pledge Company and asked them if they stopped making it. Nope, they've changed the packaging...for the THRID time! That got under her skin and she let them know it. Why do they feel the need to change the bottle so many times!?!? Kroger stopped carrying Bran Flakes about two months ago and within a week she had them back on the shelves in her area.

She has called several of our state's elected officials, making it through to them personally, when she’s disagreed with something. She picked up the phone not long ago and called the White House when the issue of Gay Marriage was ricocheting through her beliefs. They listened and wrote her a letter. If she wanted to talk to W herself I bet money she could get him on the phone. She said to me tonight, "Honey, if you need the number to the White House, I've got it!" She's not afraid to stand for anything she believes in and she, my friends, is woman of strength, character, and to be quite frank she's got balls of steel.

Grandad, he is just as funny, but in his own way. I love when he laughs so hard his tan Indian skin turns twenty shades of red and it is this long silent laughter that rolls into this loud laugh from that comes right from the gut. This is really a trademark laugh in my family and it feels so good. I pity those who will never experience it. And all the while she is cracking us all up I know in his heart he is saying “My God I love this woman!” They are each other’s heart beat. It’s beautiful. I can only hope to be so lucky in my life. My family is synonymous with humor. Whatever guy ends up with me forever will be so lucky. Not because of me but because of my hilarious family.

It was a good night. I really needed them and they needed me. It’s been so difficult for the both of them with my Grandad going through chemotherapy and my Grandma dealing with her best friend and husband’s ails along with her own. After a long hard week I woke up this morning and knew I needed to spend the evening with my grandparents. When my day was done, I anxiously called and they were so excited that I wanted to come over. We ate (ok, overate!) dinner, looked at old pictures, talked about old times, I told her about what happened this week on CSI, she told me about the Lifetime movie she watched last week, they gave me an old 4 cup coffee pot because my Grandad, who loves (absolutely loves) coffee, cannot for another moment let his granddaughter live without one! I wish I could have stayed longer. I know my Grandma and I would still be up talking. But the night was growing into early Saturday and I had to be getting back to Nashville. We will talk tomorrow. About Banana Pudding vs. Heath Bar Pie and Indian Saturday’s to be exact.

You know, so many people have walked in and out of my life over the years, even recently, but with a family like this one there is not a reason to ever feel alone.

We Wish You a Merry Friday!

2005-11-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

I am late almost everywhere I go.

I am in need of a tiny screwdriver to change my watch battery - I've tried every little thing to get the screws undone...but no, I need a tiny screwdriver - I really wanted to win that battle.

Laundry is a pain in the ass when you don't have a washer and dryer in your own home.

I am wasting perfectly good energy bitching about life when in actuality I have a good one.

I bought a FORTUNE magazine last night at Kroger wanting to read about a Real Estate Investor, Tom Barrack, and when I got in the car I looked at it and realized I was just five dollars closer to zero.

I miss my grandparents. I think I'll hang out with them tonight.

I also want to see ShopGirl. I read that book about 2 years ago. Steve Martin is a wonderfully imaginative writer.

I hope the Holidays are cheery and loving this year. I need some of that.

A funny fact of my life. At any point in the year if I'm ever sad or mad, or a mixture of the two, I always watch either "Family Man", "Christmas Vacation", "A Christmas Story", or "It's a Wonderful Life" and magically I feel a little better.

I just might go ahead an put up my christmas tree this weekend. It's like 3 feet tall. I'd like to have a real one or at least a taller one. To donate a Christmas Tree to Nicole, CLICK HERE!

You clicked didn't you!?! Thanks :)

Welcome to the holidays...

I tried...I mean REALLY tried...

2005-11-07T20:39:00.000-08:00

I tried to have a blog with some color, but I couldn't take it. I am simply a black and white kind of person I guess. The color was too much for me. Even in my art it's all black and white. Perhaps someone could help me venture into the world of color in my art? I don't know what the fear or dislike is...I do love the undying and graceful dance between light and shadow...so perhaps there is no need for color.

There is a world of color yet to be explored. I love color around my house. Earthtones mainly. Mossy green, burnt orange- ambers, deep scarlett reds, rich browns, scuffed up golds. Just recently I began wearing clothes that are not mostly black. I just thought I'd venture out.

We had our sixth night of the bible study tonight. More on that later.

I've been drooling over this man's art for the past few hours www.nicklong-fineart.com
Look at the aesthetics in his work. Breathtaking.

I miss being covered head to toe in charcoal and working diligently on my next project. I miss the smell of graphite when you rub it really hard on the canvas. I feel like a chunk of my soul has fallen to the ground on a busy sidewalk and I am trying desperately to grab hold of it but it is being stepped on and kicked around...I need some art in my life...I can't breathe.

HOPE: Blessed with His Word

2005-11-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

My eyes fell upon this today of all places- the Runner's World Website. What a perfect verse to be given in a time such as this that I have found myself in.

Thank you, God.

HOPE

2005-11-04T22:55:00.000-08:00

I think too much. My close friends will surely attest to this. But as I was sitting on my porch tonight I turned to look at the spider web I have observed for weeks now I saw that the web had disintegrated to practically nothing and the spider was gone. Do spiders move? Or did it meet its fateful end to the appetite of a bird? I do not know. I had seen this spider build and rebuild its web time and time again as the forces of nature had impacted its home. My mind then turned to the trees. Ablaze in their fiery glory; all the leaves taking in their last few gulps of life. I started thinking about death. I know, it is a dreary thing to think about. But there has been so much death lately I cannot help it. Not only in the ecological sense but also in the lives of so many people I know. A good friend lost her father a few days ago. It was not after a long battle with a disease, but after a long life he was suddenly taken by a heart attack. Surely there were ends left untied. Words left unsaid. Dreams left unfulfilled. During this space we have between birth and death what are we doing to fill the time? And why is it said that people battle diseases when day in and day out people are battling with life?

I know I am not living to the aptitude, or the spiritual altitude, capable from within me. There are gifts God has given me that I leave buried beneath the soil strangled by the shadows of fear and selfishness. I live in a winding cycle of sins, also known as habits, which are both destructive and painful to my days, let alone to my future. So I am left with a simple question and not a single answer. What am I doing to fill this time given to me, this time, called life? All I know to pray is for hope. So for hope I shall pray.

180 Days; 26 Weeks

2005-10-30T16:27:00.000-08:00

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize - 1 Cor. 9:24

That is how long until the marathon. Today began our training for the 26.2. Oh, how I long for the exuberance of running, sometimes sprinting, those hills again. The air was cool and crisp and the warming smells of fall were lingering in the air. The leaves were brilliant shades of gold, amber, crimson and every one was lit up by the sun. The shadows cast on the ground had an aura of yellow around them from the leaves. It was absolutely breath taking. Like nature's own stained glass windows to heaven. I wish I had a camera on me. This is by far my favorite time of year and it always passes by too fast. I wake up during the fall season simply to see the new shades of the leaves. At their beautiful peak a bit of sadness presses on me because I know very soon their magnificent colors will begin to drain and they will all begin their graceful descent from branch to ground. I should really just stay in the moment. I tend to try to predict life and this is prime example of how much control I do not have. I do not know exactly when the leaves are going to fall. God could shock me and they could all just stay on the trees through winter. I do not know! There is a beauty in not knowing and it really should be embraced. If I could just turn my mind off for a moment perhaps I would find relief?

I have so much to learn.

"I didn't know just what was wrong with me,

Till your love helped me name it." - Aretha Franklin

It's Marathon Training Time!!!!

2005-10-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

So, we (Ash Lovell and I) have decided the time has come to conquer an entire marathon. We ran the Music City 1/2 Marathon in 2003, but now we've come to a place in our lives where we feel a beaconing call to complete the 26.2. I cannot really explain how this revelation came about. All I can say is that ironically we both had the feeling the exact same day (or should I say early morning - I awoke from a dead sleep at 2:30am and emailed Ashley and she woke from a dead sleep at about 4:30am with the same feeling). Funny how currents between people tend to travel through thin air minus all of our high tech devices. God, is that you? The most I have ever completed was 15 miles. This is twenty-six point two miles. That's from Nashville to Murfreesboro for all those familiar with the area. I'm sure I will do lots of blogging between now and April 29, 2006, about all the ins and outs of my training. I look forward to the journey.

I don't know what you have in store for me this time; what lessons, what pitfalls? Like everything else in life, I cannot do this by my own will. God, please grant me the strength, determination, perspective, patients, your spirit and all the many blessings you have with my name on them.
Well, lace 'em up ladies...it's time to hit the pavement!

www.cmmarathon.com

Beauty

2005-10-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

What beauty can so freely fly

untamed, unteathered, undone?

To soar and dive and touch the sky;

The sky and earth are one.

The colors bright and striking

Define the butterfly's soul.

The colors streak of freedom;

Of strength and beauty bold.

A silhouette against the sky

Wings soar to heights untold

How high her flight of fancy takes her

We will never know.

The splash of color spilled on her wings

Of bright an shining gold.

Did God use butterfly’s wings

As a palette you cannot hold?

Look closely as she spreads her wings

And lightly, delicately lands.

As though she bears no weight at all;

The stem she does not bend.

Tonight was the fifth night of a Bible study I am holding at my house and it has spawned a few thoughts. We are studying a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge called Captivating. The book talks about a woman's deepest question: What beauty do we have to unveil? Here is my summary so far:

Many women doubt very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil. In fact, it's pretty much our deepest doubt. Of course society plays a large hand in our fear of a lack of beauty. Have you seen the sections in your local bookstore on diet, exercise, self help and books specifically engineered for women? I've yet to linger over into the men's section, but out of curiosity I may do that this week. Women flock to these shelves in order to improve upon the masterpiece they already are. Sure, we could all use some tweaking, life is a constant evolution, but the only thing I have found self help books good for is to help stand up the more interesting books on my shelf. Or as the occasional prop in piece of artwork I am creating. As Chekhov said, "Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out." No words could ring more true. We are constantly running on the gerbil wheel of self improvement only to find ourselves in the same place as we had started, or even more messed up than before because all these new fears we have read about and absorbed. If we could just step off the wheel for a moment and look in the mirror at ourselves as a whole...No, not at your waist line that just irks you, but at your WHOLE self you would really find a physical thing of beauty. From large to small the human female body is an absolute masterpiece; it has an absolute elegance. I know we're not talking about men here but they too have such a unique structure. I always relate the male body to a work of architecture with its muscular angles and all of that encapsulated strength. OK, some, not all.

All of that is physical. More importantly, take a look inside. Look at every good and every bad thing. There lies the individual self. I repeat, individual. Beautiful= individual. I cannot tell you what a breath of fresh air it is when I have a conversation with someone who absolutely embraces their individuality and has no problem with expressing it. The more reclusive have the beauty in there. There is an excitement that wells up in me knowing there is an unopened trunk of thoughts just knocking around in that closed up head of theirs. The anticipation of it bursting out that makes me sit on edge; the moment a thought forms and I witness as it unravels into its own fascinating creature.

I find so much delight in the perspectives of others. This is not to say that I feel this in every conversation I encounter. No, it's only on occasion I come across this symmetry. These are moments I wish I could bottle up. It's similar to the passion inside when I stand before a blank canvas: unaware, relinquished control, breathing, mentally supine, held captive by just sheer possibility. Sometimes I am disappointed and sometimes I am absolutely awe struck.

Back to the study. There is a lingering fear among women. Not being accepted, the domination of life for fear that she will be vulnerable, indulgence, loneliness, and the list goes on. All of this fear hindering women from embracing their femininity. If one chooses to relate this Biblically it all goes back to Eve. She ate the apple desiring to know all, desiring control, thinking God was holding out on her, and that she could not trust His heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life she must take matters into her own hands. Well, she did and she was the first to fall. She was supposed to be Adam's ezer kenegdo (def: helper, life saver, only other time used in the bible was referring to God himself) and she failed him.

There are desolate women "ruled by the aching abyss within them". These are the women who buy the books Co-dependent No More or Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. They are consumed by a hunger for a relationship. These women also tend to hide their true selves. I think every woman can admit that they have all been through a stage of this, but for some this lingers and robs them of truly meaningful experiences and relationships. For fear of abandonment when she is "found out" she remains closed up. Fear of death of the heart. A woman’s worst fear – abandonment. Let’s be honest: this woman resides in all females on some level. The question is: what brought her to this point?

This brings us to the wounded woman. She is wounded from events in her life that have occurred from birth to this very day. John and Stasi speak of the question all women have inside, “Am I lovely?” This question was either answered or unanswered in a female’s youth by her father, by her peers, by a number of subjects. She has held onto this “definition of her beauty” her entire life. Whether or not today she acknowledges the answer she received as a child this question remains. It is underlying in every situation she faces trying to define if she is indeed lovely in the eyes of another. I am not speaking simply on a relationship level but in any situation. If she “measures up” so to speak. “And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak.”

I could go on but I am not writing a book. In closing, this little excerpt from my mind ends very undefined and open ended. But that’s where I’m at in this book and in my life. Constantly evolving, constantly growing, and constantly learning.

I will leave you with a few quotes:

“Beauty is dangerous.” – Gerard Manley Hopkins

“Be the person you wish to marry.” – Emila (wise woman in my Bible Study. Although she got it from somewhere else.)

“If you spot it; you got it!” – My Aunt, Pam

Feel free to share your thoughts either on the blog comment section 0r email me at city_girl_108@yahoo.com. I am very interested in your opinions.

*Note: If my punctuation or grammar upset you go hire me a freggin editor.

2005-10-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!!!!!

Lender for Sale!!!!!!!

2005-10-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

I spent my Monday evening at the Greater Nashville Association of Realtors Convention at the Convention Center here in downtown Nashville. Meeting, greeting, and trying to appeal to realtors in the ten seconds I had to talk with them, punch their little cards, offer them a chip clip, hand them my business card and (finally) hopefully get a business card back from them as to contact them in the coming days. If they didn't have a card I wrote down their information as fast as my little hand would go. The passing out of business card at times I knew was in vain; they were going to throw it in their little totes with all the its other rectangular tree pulp friends (even saw one miss the bag and hit the floor – I was going to dive for it but I wasn’t wearing my Rawlings.) On quite a few realtors I managed to talk to them enough to where the card wasn't tossed into the bag, no. It was slipped into a pocket where it might get just one more look and the prime opportunity of being filed in the name recognition area of the brain. Do you jobs my little cards!

In this business waiting on the phone to ring is like sitting on a piece of ice with all the faith that it’s not going to melt but inevitably you will wind up in a puddle of water…alone…wet… and nothing to grasp . This is a business of relationships. It is a business of trust. It is a business where one must stay in the realtors face or they will forget you and turn to someone else. It is sort of like a bad relationship. You walk away for a split second and they’ve moved on to someone else. You think it’s just a trip to the grocery store but to them you’ve jumped a plane to Reykjavik, Iceland. Don’t call a realtor back in their “allotted” time and they’ve gone and started “dating” the person in the next office from you. There is the realtor challenge and then there is the fellow lender challenge. That challenge in itself parallels the game you play as a child where you have to nimbly get the raw egg on the spoon around the orange cone and back WITHOUT dropping it. Tough, but not impossible.

It’s demanding, and I love it. It’s the challenge, the learning, the uncertainty. In personal relationships that can be appealing and drive me insane all at the same time but in the business world it is bliss.

I am a native Tennessean; born and raised. Native as the tobacco and corn that run the stretch of Hwy 96. Actually, I was born and raised in Brentwood, Tennessee. Now, how many people can really say that? I know that possibility is increasing with the growth of the area. However, twenty-six years ago Franklin Road was a two lane road, not five. Concord Road didn't lead to nineteen subdivisions but was merely the string of floss that connected the plush farmlands of Franklin and Murfreesboro. I remember all of this! These immigrant Tennesseans do not! Then the ice begins to melt and I realize that those facts are utterly worthless. Without knowledge of the loan programs (getting there!) and relationships built on trust and commitment I am just another smiling, young, female loan officer. That’s not what I want. I have never in my life settled for second best and that’s not what I intend on doing now. Nor do I want my customers feeling as if they are dealing with second best. I know, I am new in the business and it’s an ocean out there. But have you seen what can happen to a goldfish if it is taken out of the fishbowl and placed into a large body of water? The darn thing quadruples in size! I would like to see the same in my business.

For now I have a zillion mail outs, creating my website, and realtor meetings. It'll all add up. DISCLAIMER: If you read this, need a loan and go somewhere else there will be a curse on your new house! Hahahhha! ...I'm serious.

BOYCOTT

2005-10-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

I am angry at this blog spot. I tried to change my background and it erased my links. I'm boycotting blogger. Gaylord Fockers.

Actually I am just taking out a bad day on Blogspot. Jerks.

2005-10-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to ME!

Three Weeks. Richmond, Virginia. a.k.a. Spring Break 2005

2005-10-07T22:18:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon a moment in my life when I was surrounded by a group of people who touched my life in more ways than I would have ever expected. Although geographically we are now in many different places they will always hold a special place in my heart.

THE GIRLS: Front Row: (l-r)Sharon Oles (aka Sandra Bullock), Me (aka Delta), Wendy, Tanya, Alana , Debra, Cathy . Back Row (l-r): Jordan, Annie, Keven (absolutely hilarious! I owe her a painting of a Palm Tree), Carol . Taking the picture was Carolyn Risco my pole dancing partner! "Clydesdale" (the girl looked like a freggin horse) was drunk in the corner with the microphone somewhere contemplating how she was going to go about kicking my ass and several others. Hahaaha!

THE GUYS:

Front Row(l-r): Mike (aka Mike Ditka), Bill (aka the car salesman), Justin (dancin' machine; sorry girls, he's taken), Jeremy(aka John Belushi) Matt (aka Chris Kattan - looks EXACTLY like him...great guy), Richard (my Atlanta man! I bet his house is decorated beautifully!) Back Row(l-r): Eric (we should really live closer to one another), Baxter (energy, animation and the voice of a game show host, also beat me to all the punches), Louis (aka Rico Suave), Phil (made it his mission to bug the living hell out of me...he's my benign buddy), John (aka Super Man; Haaalaaaayloooya). Where's Duane Daski? He must be taking the picture (he had the the craziest spikey hair) Where is Ken Nichols!?!? Where is Marc Moran??? Where is Ozzy Oliveria???

Baxter reaching back to his teaching roots. Always acting like a goober.
Richard, Ken Nichols (there he is!), Marc Moran (former Fox news Producer!) Annie, Mike and Cathy...all hanging out on the corner after a hard night of painting the town!

John CorrillA, Mike Ditka, Tomas and Bill acting like the pimps that they are.
We were surrounded by the Pentecostals..they thought we were Heathens!
My men again. Justin what you lookin' at? Perhaps he's dancing???
Bill, Wendy, Debra, Carol and Cathy all remanissing about the past few weeks at our big sha-bang party. Or drinking away the pain? That group really didn't like Richmond. Well, I think Bill had fun.
Oh, the class room! Ozzy (finally a picture of Oz...my Brazilian...riiiight cheer, Schwarzenegger, He called Jordan and I Betty Jo, and Mary Sue) Alana and Cathy doin' their thing; learning about loans. Oh! You can see little Kim Crain back there! She could fit in your pocket; she'd probably bite you! Great person...great instructor.
This one's for Eric. He'd go missing and we'd find him in the PLayers Room: Salon D. He should really get hooked on phonics! He could also use some bowling lessons :)

I must say this was the best group of people I've ever had the pleasure of spending three weeks with. I would do it again in a heart beat. Thank you for the fun, thank you for the memories, thank you for the side stitching laughter.

I look forward to our reunion.

Abby Is the Best in the World at Everything...(she really is.)

2005-10-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

What a hilarious picture. Those of you who know me will crack up for appropriate reasons. Others who don't well, it's funny. I will forever look 15 in every picture I take. There's my computer! I got internet and cable today. you have no idea how shocked and excited I am. Finally, an outlet. I've run out of books anyway. I need to make a trip to B&N. The only thing I read these days is about mortgages.

Alright people. No more threatening mail. I'm back in town and here to take care of filling this blog. FYI I will be autographing copies of my past blogs soon at your local Barnes&Noble so print out you favorite and come on down. Word is out and people are already pitching tents. Well, I sound like a type E...nevermind. Speaking of pitching tents. I saw about 2 dozen people camping outside of the new Chick-filet here in Brentwood. What are they going to get? A life time of free shhhhhicken? A chance to throw a dart at the cow? I may have to go by there on the way to work to see what ignoramus people do. Finally, the category of people that define that mind boggling golf tee game at Cracker Barrel. Yay! Cold days are coming. I love going to the Barrel and sitting near the fire.

Richmond, Virginia, was amazing. I learned so much about the business I have found myself in and I am raaaaarin to help people fulfill the American Dream. Plus, the money part will be nice. I have a lot on my plate right now, but that's how I like it. Ironic as it sounds I tend to be more relaxed in chaos. It's when I have nothing going on the worry and frustration shoals. I learned that I do not like Pilsner and that I do like Palner Hefeweisen. A.K.A "The Nectar". My wonderful North Nashvillian friend agrees. I met some absolutely wonderful people while I was there, and one in particular. Geography may be an issue, but that, ironic as it sounds, is minor compared to all the other issues that could be at the surface. Why did I have to go hundreds of miles away to actually meet someone worthwhile?

Time is just something I am short of lately. If I could ask for time for my 26th birthday that would be at the top of my list. There are just so many things to get done in the day, in my life. I just have to maintain the abating thought that God has a plan and it will all unfold on his/her time scale. I sound so very impatient, so I shall regress. I could talk about the lack of time all day long, but then I would be wasting the time I have. This would be one big oxymoronical(my own word?) publication. It is called "the present" for a reason.

I have agreed to hold a Bible study at my house on Monday nights. This past Monday was the first night (it began two weeks ago but I was out of town). I guess calling it a bible study does not really make sense. It is Biblically based, but it's not like we are studying a certain book of the Bible. The book we are reading is called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. The jacket reads:
The Message of Captivating is this: Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman - they are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating.

This book is the women's version of Wild at Heart: Discovering a Man's Soul by John Eldredge.
Now, I don't believe that you can become "captivating" by reading a ' how to' book. I believe it comes from within. Every woman carries a certain presence about her; no two women are alike. It is getting to a point in your life where you are confident or secure, or whatever, and the essence of your personality shines through. I have no idea of the perception others have about me. I do know that I am a woman who deserves to be all that I can and beyond. That I will never know everything, but I can sure as hell try to. That conversation is key. That there will be great days and there will be horrible days. That I want to share in this amazing adventure of life with someone. To be the crescendo in his and he in mine.

This is going to be an interesting/personal growth Bible study. It has spawned some pretty intersting thoughts in this brain of mine.
It does have a wide range of ages of women. The "students" 20 to 26. The younger girls stay pretty quiet. Perhaps it is lack of experience. Perhaps it is because a few of us have so much to say. I do ask them for feedback but a negligent amount is received. The leader, my aunt, at 48. She is such an evolved woman. Open minded and always full of great advice.

Week 4 is next week, Chapter 3. This books is filled with quotes from authors both literary and musical...So I'm in heaven.

Even to see her walk across the rooms is a liberal education. - C.S. Lewis

Suddenly I turned around and she was standing there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns
Come in, she said I'll give you shelter from the storm.
-Bob Dylan

"Fluey" - that one's for you, Abby! muah! I still want to hear the Gavin Degraw song Follow Through that reminds you of me...The curiosity is killing me. I'll have to put it on my new iPod.
I have exactly 48 hours left until I turn 26. Calculation: I was born at 10:31pm and it is exactly 10:31pm on the 6th. Thoughts just stream forth...I know you wanted to know that. I'll blog about my fascination with aging on Saturday.

Day Thirteen...

2005-09-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Richmond, Virginia. I am on my thirteenth day here, and while I do miss home I know I will undoubtedly miss these people I have become friends with. It's been interesting learning all about the mortgage business. The education that's been poured into my brain these past two weeks has been quite difficult to absorb, I will admit. I have not used the mathematical side of my brain in quite some time; I am used to simply being an artist. So, I have felt a bit behind on that side of the page but I will eventually catch on. It'll just take some tweaking of the mind, and perhaps some prayer. As for the body and spirit. My body is definitely upset with me. There just is not time to go and exercise and the social gatherings are wearing on my metabolism. Spirit: I am in a very different element and it is very evident. When I return home to my schedule it will be difficult to readjust. I have slipped back into the days of dorm life. I do look forward to getting my business going when I return and to find a time when all of these hazy areas of the Mortgage Lending world fall into place. I pray. Why would I have taken this path if it were not for a particular reason?
Washington, D.C., was in my plans for tomorrow but I do not think it will come to pass. So, Alexander Calder, I will not be able to embrace your art first hand as I had hoped. I suppose I will go to a museum or two around here. Perhaps that will brighten my spirit to be surrounded by the very thing that sends this soul of mine sailing.

Se La Vie

2005-09-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well, first day of class was...interesting. I think I am going to learn a lot. However, this is my last post until I get back to Nashville. Internet here is ten dollars a day and unless I find an envelope of money somewhere I will not be able to sign on anymore. SunTrust decided to block my Yahoo mail account. That's what I get for getting there early to check my Yahoo mail only to try to sign on after lunch and a screen pops up saying it's been blocked. Corporate jerks. I did buy internet here for the wonderful $10 just for today. But as of 12am it will be gone. Plus if i find an envelope of money I'll pobably take my trip to D.C. while I'm here. Looks like that may not happen :( Abby we'll have to take our kids (I'll have to catch up with your one and by then you may have 3!) to the Smithsonian like I talked about. Oh, Alexander Calder I will one day share a room with your last magnificant mobile sculpture. And sorry, George, the only dome of yours I will see is your big head on TV. Until about September 30th...take care, God bles and God Speed. Oh yea, I have a phone. Just call me! Off to study!

Plain Plane

2005-09-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

So, I've arrived. Richomond, Virginia. Ya know, I never understand people who go to new towns and eat at familiar restaurnts. I ate at Kobe Steaks tonight. We have one in Nashvile. Everyone I was with decided that's where they wanted to eat. There are a gazillion different places to indulge here then what Nashville has to offer. Buuut if that's what everyone wanted I was not going to open my mouth as I ususally do. Perhaps they needed a comfort of home. Perhas they did not want to go to the Irish Pub that probably has some deightfully different nourishment than freggin Kobe blah Steaks. It tastes just the same in VA! I have been here only a few hours and I am complaining. I will cease. But I still want to taste VA if I am going to be here. I've met a few nice people here. MOst of them are older and it's iteresting to see that they are at the age they are starting a new career. Well I am using a horrible internet TV unperfected invention so I am signing off. God, you have me here for a reason. Please open my mind, heart, and soul to your plans. You've taken me, a tarnished silver chain necklace, out of the junk drawer and started untangling me for a reason. Bear with me and my knots. Well, I know you'll bear with me. Help me to bear with me.

Bumble Bees and French Toast

2005-09-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

I had the most interesting trek through Radnor Lake with my sister today. She was having an "I hate nature day". I can't blame her. She was chased half way around the lake by a bee. It's because she smelled so sweet. She works in a cosmetic store so she's constantly putting on everything that smells good and I guess it was just seeping through her pores. Ok, so she's just naturally sweet smelling. (Right!) A few times it would be gone, but it would just come right back. It didn't like me much. I guess I just don't smell like a sweet petunia as she does. To understand the humor in this trek you have to know my sister. She's very prim and proper but her mouth gushes forth with some colorful vocabulary. She had no problem in telling that bee where to get off.

We had some good conversation, and then we had a lot of silence. Sometimes its nice to have someone you can be with where there is a comfortable silence. Of course, I was expecting a lot more verbal communication and told her so, but if she needed silence then I will let the silence float.

She did ask me if there were bears or coyote's in the woods of Radnor Lake. I assured her that there are not any (to my knowledge). Although, I do remember a year ago reading about an bobcat that had escaped from its owner, but I did not bring this up. No way.

We had an odd discussion, as some of ours tend to be, about who should move out of the way when 2 pairs of people pass on the trail going opposite directions. She just didn't understand why every time I would either step in front or behind her when I saw someone coming. I've never really put any thought into it, I just always move. She takes this as letting people walk on you. Well, I'm not one to be walked on in life so I don't think that could be the reason. So, we experimented with people passing us. If we stayed side by side the other people would move. If we moved the other people would stay side by side. So for all you trail walkers out there we came to this conclusion. Every other pair you pass you should let them by. The other times it is your turn to be side by side. I know everyone wonders about this. Do not worry! It has been solved!

I leave for Richmond, Virginia, tomorrow morning. Yes, I'm flying on September 11th. Gone from my Tennessee land for three whole weeks. I will honestly say that I am not looking forward to it. Nothing has changed in that arena. It is 7:10pm and I have not packed yet. Not even popped open the suitcase. I'm going to get there and will have forgotten something vital like....Well I can't think of anything vital! I should be just fine! It's all material anyway. All I need is the good Lord with me. Lucky me; he's with me everywhere I go! Well enough about me. Tell me a little something about you.

2005-09-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

why is this freggin thing not publishing what i write!?!!!???!?

Standing Still...

2005-09-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

I tried writing a blog several times today and my thoughts would not make sense. They just kept flying from me. I longed all day to sit still in the sanctuary of my soul and just allow the Holy Spirit to soak into me. That did not happen; my day had me running all over town. So, I prayed for words to write. I prayed for the Holy Spirit to shine a light behind the door where I find myself standing. This is what my eyes finally fell upon when I was not in search of anything at all...

i beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved

in your heart and try to love the questions themselves

as if they were locked rooms or books written

in a very foreign language. don't search for

the answers, which could not be given to you

now, because you would not be able

to live them. and the point is, to live

everything. live the questions now.

perhaps then, someday far in

the future, you will gradually,

without even noticing it, live

your way into the answer...

(rainer maria rilke)

Segments of Life

2005-09-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

I broke out a new pair of Saucony 3D Grid Hurricane 5 running shoes this morning. Oh, I get so excited every few months or so when it's time to slip my feet into a brand new pair. I wore the old kicks as long as possible, but they've just worn out - poor little things. I'll just have to use the old pair to knock around in and these new ones just to run in! Oh, Saucony.. . . .

I've had the strangest dreams lately. Last night I had a dream that I was part of a New Orleans funeral. You know, the ones where they march through the street in colorful attire, play their long drawn out trumpet melodies, women wail tears of sadness/joy/desperation, and dance with fringe lined umbrellas. Only it was someone I love dearly in the coffin. A coffin the size of a butter dish. We entered into this pearly white building that was just bright as could be. Then, I kept getting angry at this guy to my right in this sort of auditorium we were in and he started throwing knives at me. I can see his face, although I don't think I've ever met him in life. Strange....I'm a bizarre dreamer anyway. And then I had this same dream I've had several times this week of a friend of mine just handing me a cup of water, like it was nothing. The water is in this cup I used to drink out of as a child. The cup once held the image of a cartoon dog's head but after years of cycles of the dishwasher and abuse it's faded now.

I once had a chef I worked for over hear me telling a friend one of my crazy dreams and he came to me in tears interpreting it to me. He told me I was sent here by God to work with him on bringing others to know the truth. I was supposed to creat a piece of artwork that would be comperable to the creatons of the glorious Micheangelo. And, here's the kicker, I was supposed to give birth to the next Messiah. "Ok! Take care you nut!" I left that job shortly there after. It says in the bible to turn from people who interpreted dreams. So, I did. There were some other poor souls I worked with that were not educated in the teachings of the scripture. They did not know that the words that came from the mouth of this man were tainted with HIS OWN blood, NOT JESUS'S. I tried explaining this to a few before I left, even showed them in the bible where it says it is wrong to interpret dreams, but they basically told me to shut up. I've heard from a few of them since then who had left as I did.

What an interesting world we live in.

I sat last night at St. Thomas hospital observing my grandmother as she watched her husband sleep. He has cancer, but he's in the hospital with a slight adverse reaction to a medication. My grandparents have been married for 55 years. Patsy and Conrad ~Fifty-five years. What an amount of time to spend with another human being. They've been through it all.

My grandmother had 3 miscarriages before they ever conceived my mother, who is the eldest of three girls. My grandfather was an airplane mechanic in WWII when they were first maried. He still works as an airplane mechanic and an aerospace instructor. There are countless plaques on his wall naming him "Airplane Mechanic of the Year". Companies fly him in from all over to sign off on new planes. My grandmother has been a hard worker all her life, also. She's managed department stores and the woman is a wiz at numbers. Not to mention she decorates her house like you've stepped into a Southern Living magazine.

While my grandfather was at war my grandmother lived at her parent's house, amongst her 14 siblings, and then at her mother in law's house sharing a bed with my grandfather's sister. Rita, my grandfather's sister, was in town last weekend, and I was over there for hours just talking up a storm with her. That woman can talk the leg off a donkey (now I know where I get it from, it's genetic). She told me a story about one night when my grandmother was sharing a bed with her, and in the middle of the night she felt someone hugging her saying "I love you, Conrad." Rita he-hawed and then said "I'm not Conrad, Ya Mut!" God, I love my family!

It's just got to be so difficult to see someone you've shared a lifetime with suffer in a stark white hospital room. They don't seem like the grandparents I've known my entire 25 years. We were sitting there watching CNN (sorry Abby) cover Hurricane Katrina and they were talking about the trip they took last year down to New Orleans. Telling me all about the beautiful Bed&Breakfast they stayed in. Brows furrowed, worried that the couple that owned it was washed away by the waters. They've stayed in every Bed&Breakfast this side of the Mississippi, and I whole heartedly believe they are not done yet. My grandmother kept saying "I've just got to be positive." and "God is not going to make me be alone in life now. I've never been alone."

God, please take his cancer away. I'm going to spend the night with her tonight. It's not the same as my grandfather being there with her, but at least she won't be alone.

Oh, Wow!

2005-09-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

Ashley, I thought you might need a reminder of why we are still single. You, with your massive ears, and, I, with my eyeliner massive eyebrows. Who knows what the fate of that left ear was!Abby, I found the day I crawled "outside the box." I haven't looked back since.

Copious thought

2005-09-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

Some days I wonder why God chose to place me in this place and time. What's his purpose? Why, out of all the times, did he want me to be alive for this span of time? Why am I related to these exact people. Why do I have these exact friends. It just baffles my mind. I know I am blessed with the presence of these people; I just wonder if they feel the same. My father says I think too much. Perhaps I do. I tend to overanalze and look at every possibility in every situation. If they had an occupation as an Overanalyzer I would definitely be a candidate for the position. I'd most likely get my doctorate in that Overanalyzatioin. "Paging Dr. Edmondson, you are needed in the O.R." (Overanalyzation Room)

It's been a while since I've done any artwork. Time just escapes me. This particular piece I did last fall sums up my days lately. I feel like there is so much to do in a day and I just don't have enough time. My grandfather is in the hospital. He was diagnosed with colon cancer about a month ago. I wonder if he lays there thinking about time. The multitude of time he was blessed with or the lack there of. I can honestly say that death is something that is a fear of mine. Not necessarily my own death but the death of others that I love. I have seen so many people close to me throughout my life laying in a casket. Still. Knowing what happens after you take your last breath. Having a huge family makes the amount of weddings, birthdays and funerals just abnormally high. I can remember playing on the floor of Marshall-Donnelly-Combs Funeral home off of West End like I was over at my Great Aunt Edna's house. You end up seeing everyone when one of these events occurs. There just isn't the typical cookout or seasonal gathering like they used to do. It takes a specific event to bring blood together. So, I find family in my friends. There was a saying I heard the other day about God giving you friends as family, but it escapes me now. It will probably come to me in the car later.

Perhaps this wound in the side of our America is causing these thoughts to surface in me. Perhaps it is the fear of losing my grandfather to this horrible cancer deamon. Whatever the cause may be it sprung forth in a blog. Some thoughts just aren't satisfied sitting in my head they must escape through my fingertips and onto the screen.

Pray. Pray for those in our country who are dealing with all the emotions that this crisis has brought on. It has truely brought our country to it's knees. Just imagine how unprepared we would have been had this been a terrorist act. It deepens the anger I hold toward our president. God I pray for that anger to be lifted but he and his fellow staff seem to be rolling down a hill tangled up in a ball of yarn. Eventually the string will run out and then what will they have to hold on to? Dear Lord, help them. Help them, help US.

2005-08-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

That's me as a child. My parents were hilarious. I often find myeslf in life with this same exact expression.

So, I'm blogging on this lovely site now. I was at Myspace but it's gotten to be too crowded for my liking. My thoughts today are a teetering a bit on the edge of anxiety. Why? I am not sure. Perhaps it's the dreams I've been having lately. They are really intense and disturbing and leave me tired for most of my day. However, I need to step out of this moment of self pity and realize that I have my family, my friends, my health, my home was not swept away by a hurricane, and I have clean water. Funny, my first post is a bit negative, but I'm more a realist as opposed to one that puts on a facade for the public.

I leave in 12 days to go to Richmond, Virginia, for training in my new career. I am looking forward to learning, but I am not looking forward to the hours outside of class. What on earth am I going to do? I'm really not one that likes to be alone. However, I find myself alone quite often. I wish sometimes that I was one who liked constant solitude but it's just not in my personality. (don't' get me wrong. Sometimes it's nice to have silence.) Plus, from what I hear it's like Spring Break '05 up there and I'm just not down with going to bars and all that self destructive behavior.

I feel so close to God lately. That sort of frightens me at the same time because every time I feel closer temptations grow stronger. Accountability is a good thing. I sort of hold myself accountable which is difficult to do a lot of the time because it's easiest to lie to yourself. I look forward to Kairos Bible Study Groups to start up soon. I wonder what book of the bible we'll study? Oh I'm so excited! Well it's off for round 2 at the YMCA for the day.

Yay rha for the Blogger website! I look forward to blogging here. Perhaps I'll post my old blogs onto here from my old blog site.